I have Major & Persistent Depressive Disorders. Not that
I think the label is important, but in case you can identify with that type of
diagnosis. Sometimes people do not understand why I am performing so poorly in
life. I have been depressed for 10+ years, with the last year or so being the
worst. Enough so that I planned to kill myself on August 22nd. I want to take a
minute and try to explain my depression because in the last few weeks I’ve seen
a sliver of light.
There are plenty of things in my past that have caused me
trauma and those things may or may not be the precipitating factors in starting
my depression. And trauma is something I have in common with many people. But
some of us are able to set it aside and move on to other things.
I got stuck. I have had several people who care about me,
tell me to just let go of the past and be happy with what I have. Those are all
good sentiments, good advice.
But here’s the problem, and the reason I’m writing this, for
myself and any other person you might know who is seriously depressed; the
sentiments don’t cut through. My thoughts were like a space dust being pulled
into a black hole.
Until 2 weeks ago I thought it was normal that I didn’t want
to do stuff, I mean – shower, make my bed, do my laundry. I thought I was just
lazy or tired even though I shouldn’t be. I started taking a new medication and
very quickly felt like a completely different person. I was shocked.
A simple example of my thought pattern was this: “Hmm, my
laundry needs to be done – I just can’t, it’s too much, I feel exhausted just
thinking about trying to do that.”
With my new med this: “Hmm, my laundry needs to be done – it’ll
be nice to have clean clothes, I should make my bed too.” AND I DO IT.
I cannot stress enough just how amazing this is to me. I
realized that the little voice in my head that tosses around all my thoughts
had just done a 180. I finally understood what people were talking about when they
said to let go of the past and be happy with what I have.
Now I am not doctor or therapist but finding out that there
really is a different way to feel was very liberating. And it’s because of a
medication. I do not like having to rely on medications and I feel like there
is a huge stigma on mental health medications. But they have great purpose to
break the bad cycle of thoughts while you are working on the traumas that put
you in that wrong head space.
The down side? I never know how long it will work. The
medication that changed my thought patterns is causing worse side effects in
the form of severe tremors and diminished ability to hold an intelligent
conversation. I will keep trying until I find what works.
Please take from this that depression is real, it so badly
fucks with your internal thoughts, and physiological energy. Medication can
help, I think some of the older tried and true medications are safer, but some
of the new stuff is pretty dank too.
If you know someone who is struggling, try not to give
advice, because most advice isn’t taken well. Just be there for them. Hold them
– it’s scientifically proven that a 20 second hug releases endorphins!!
Encourage them to stay in touch with their docs/therapists. Remind them to take
their meds if they are inconsistent. (Just taking my anti-depressant 1 hour
later than normal I’ll have a very bad day). Offer to get them out of the
house.
But most importantly: DO. NOT. GIVE. UP. ON. THEM. It is a long journey
to pull out of depression and there will be good days and bad days and that
could be months after doing well. Get knowledgeable about their diagnosis and
ASK them what you can do to support them.