I realized something today, and I'm not very excited about it.
I had a small panic attack this evening as a result of a question someone asked me. It's the same type of reaction that I have when I get angry.
My heart races, my stomach gets upset, and it's hard to describe... the back of my neck/ears get hot and tingly.
It is the worst feeling ever.
The situation that brought this on was benign and shouldn't have caused such a reaction... but it is how I often react.
As I was driving home, trying to calm myself down, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
What I felt was fear and my "angry" reaction is my attempt to defend my position because I am afraid that if I am wrong or messed up there will be detrimental consequences.
Of course, all this emotion is totally irrational to the situations I apply it to.
The reason I'm not very excited about it is because the connection I made was tied to my childhood. (I know, I know, blaming it on my childhood... what a cop out!) But I'm not blaming... just observing.
In the future, I am hoping (and brainstorming strategies) that with this knowledge I will be able to stop those crazy emotions before they get out of hand.
For tonight though I am despondent that I've hidden my fear behind anger and that most of my life I've allowed that fear to consume me. Furthermore, I am disappointed in myself for playing the tough girl and not even seeing what was really going on.
Thought for the day:
For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of self-control. 2Tim1:7
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I am not a docile person. I grew up in an angry household, and cultivated my rage well, throughout my teens.
I have tried to commend myself by describing my attitude as "being blunt" or my favorite "just being honest" - but the truth is, people do not react favorably to my natural attitude.
I have always been an introspective and observant person, but I never realized that my "attitudinal compass" was so askew that my introspection didn't lead to much change or growth. Which sucks.
So I'm trying to re-calibrate.
Today was an exercise to that endeavor, as I will briefly discuss below.
I've been trying to reach a lady with an important account issue for about 3 weeks. I sent emails and voice mails with with only one response... for me to call her back. Today had to write a letter, and I wanted to just tear into her. But I knew if I reacted with my natural attitude it could affect several other accounts.
So I changed my point of view. I did not make assumptions about why she hasn't contacted me. Instead I was considerate. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and offered options to resolve the issue.
I will say, I still felt my rage and had an internal dialog that's not fit to print, but I used my head instead of my emotions. I guess that's what my counselor meant when he said my emotions should be the caboose of the train, not the engine.
I'll let you know how it turns out...
Thought for the day:
Having my emotions in the "caboose" keeps me steady on the track.